No, really, I’m dying here…I
haven’t held my baby sister since Sunday or Monday.  It wouldn’t
be so bad if I were gone somewhere, but having to see her every day and
not kiss her is torture.  She’s always cutest when someone else is
holding her.  And we always want what we can’t have.



I thought I was getting over
this cold/virus/whatever thing, but I guess I overdid it.  My
symptoms still indicate contagious, so mother says, “No healthy, no
kissey.”  Or huggy.  The hardest thing is when Gracie
crawls up to me and then stands up and leans against my legs while she
reaches for me.  I’m alternating between lying in bed trying to
escape into a book and doing some sort of housework with all my might,
as if I’m trying to convince myself that I’m getting better.  At
least I haven’t cried myself to sleep yet.



I think I’ll go host another pity party…  Having to swallow nasty, healthy-looking vitamins is good for self-pity.

on the swing



    breezes and sunshine

        toddler in my lap


            singing with me instead


                of falling asleep like she used to



                    jets fly out from the base nearby

   
           
        not too loud, but close enough

   
           
            to see



   
           
                usually i am annoyed


           
           
            i want her to sleep

   
           
           
            and she loves to point them out



   
           
           
                i think of 
airplanes as machines


           
           
           
            to be used

   
           
           
           
            something that makes us cover our
ears
           
           
           
           
        when they fly too near


   
           
           
           
           
        today i thought of the men who
had to be  inside
   
           
           
           
           
            who are they?  what are they like?


           
           
           
           
                    suddenly i
want to fly one so badly
   
           
           
           
           
                    i can taste it



   
           
           
           
           
            what would it be like

   
           
           
           
                    to control
something that huge,

           
           
           
           
        that fast?

   
                   
           
           
    better than a race car?



   
                   
            now i feel
like a paradox:

   
                   
           
    in my favorite new skirt,

   
           
                   
        music floating in my head,

   
           
                   
            cuddling my
baby sister,

           
           
           
           
           
           
        stunt driving, Indy 500, or the
Air Force?

If you hold a cat by the tail, you learn things you cannot learn any other way.  –Mark Twain

::Edit::
I’m amazed at how many of you seem to have tried this…

books, books, and more books. 


i love gift cards.
the bookstore is my favorite store.
clearance tables…they give me a chance to try something new.


recently discovered i spend about fifty percent of my day reading something.


is that good or bad?
it’s bad if i’m doing it to escape something that requires more of me.
like housework, relationships, piano, exercise…
i’m trying to read less fiction, more biographies and histories and commentaries.
that could be good.





expand.  explore.  experiment.


i’m about to take up painting.  watercolors, to be precise.
i don’t even like art.

“Do you think she just woke up one day and said, ‘I think I’ll be a lawyer’?”

 I have never felt more alive…!

.: edit :.

It’s something about finding a place in the Kingdom, and part of a gift here on earth.  My soul has been so hungry…

This is what God put on my heart last night.  It’s like buried treasure.  Why did I never see this before?

…clearly you are an epistle of Christ, ministered by us, written…by
the

Spirit of the Living God…on tablets of flesh…of the heart.



And we have such trust through Christ toward God.



Not that we are sufficient of ourselves…but our sufficiency is from
God, who
made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant…



…how will the ministry of the Spirit not be more glorious?



Therefore, since we have such hope, we use great boldness of speech—

unlike Moses, who put a veil over his face…For until this day the
same veil remains unlifted

in the reading of the Old Testament,
because the veil is taken away in Christ.  But even to

this day, when Moses is read, a veil lies over their heart.  Nevertheless when one turns to

the Lord, the veil is taken away.



Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.



But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of
the Lord,

are being transformed into the same image from glory to
glory,

just as by the Spirit of the Lord.



Therefore, since we have this ministry,
as we have received mercy, we do not lose heart.



But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence

of the power may be of God and not of us.



We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed;

we are perplexed,
but not in despair;

persecuted, but not forsaken;

struck down, but not
destroyed–


For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus’ sake,

that the
life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.



..we also believe and therefore speak, knowing that He

who raised up the Lord Jesus will also raise us up with Jesus…



Therefore we do not lose heart.  Even though our outward man is perishing, yet

the inward man is being renewed day by day.


(from 2 Corinthians 3 & 4)

           
           
           
           A time may
come for valor without renown.
                                                            
       

God is teaching me…

My invitation to
adventure may not seem like much to anyone else.  I guess it wasn’t
meant to.  I think it was only meant to mean the world to me.  When I said
I should have known, I meant that I should have known it wouldn’t be
something I expected.  And I’m half-terrified of opening up enough to share it.

Two weeks ago I was unable to fall asleep and ended up praying. 
I don’t know what your conversations with God are like.  For mine it could
be argued that I’m just talking to myself.  I’ve never heard His voice out loud.  But sometimes the
thoughts that come to my head are so not me (too unselfish), that I know it’s the
Holy Spirit.  Suddenly I had to get up and write–in the dark
bedroom I share with my sister, holding her flashlight in one hand and
my pen in the other, with no glasses.  This is basically what I found
in my journal the next morning.

All my life I’ve read about people
who fight for their dream, their calling, their whatever, not just in
spite of the odds, but because of them.  Because living–really
living–is worth whatever it takes.  Even if it means dying sooner.



I’ve never had to fight; 
never had a reason.  I’m too lazy at heart.  If something
didn’t come easy, I didn’t try it.  If it came easy, I went for it
until it wasn’t fun anymore, or I had to work harder to keep progressing,
and then I quit.  That’s the plain ugly truth.  And I’ve done
it over and over again.



“Lord, I want an adventure.  I
want a reason to fight what’s wrong in me.  I want motivation to
conquer this quitter in me…”




What about the hater in you?




“What??  God, I don’t hate!”




Do you love?



“Of course!  Sort of.  Most of the time.”




Oh, so you’re a non-lover?  Which do you think needs to be conquered more, the quitter or the non-lover?



“God, that’s not really a fair question!  If I answer wrong then I’m just wrong.  If I answer right, then I’m stuck!”



How’s this for an adventure, daughter: learn to love.


Learn to speak gently; to keep from passing on sharp words or hurtful
tones to the next person who crosses your path.  Learn to repay
evil with good.  Learn to turn the other cheek when no one’s
watching.  Learn to care with no audience.  Learn to give
without applause.  Learn to love.




“Father, I don’t know how!  I don’t always even like people.  Love is not in me!”



You must learn love.  You must grow closer to love.  You must study it, pour over it’s virtues.  Get to know love.



“Right.  But how?  Lord, I–“




I AM love.  Know ME.



One more doubt.  One more question.  “That’s it, God?  That’s my big adventure?”



Know Me.  Learn to love.  You were meant to be a great lover.

This “adventure” has been so hyped that I hesitate to share it now for
fear you will all be disappointed.  It’s not so very big, and
is really only meaningful to me.  But it’s my own thoughtlessness
that caused this uproar and it wasn’t fair of me to tease, however
unintentional.  So tomorrow I will post about it.  Yes, I’m
sorry to put it off again, but my brain is not here tonight…and you
don’t want half the story!

In case anyone wants to know, the wedding was beautiful and it was very
special to be a part of it.  It was worth the work and the
agony.  I never knew I could be so nervous–I’m not really the
throwing-up type, but I came this close to it Friday night after the
rehearsal dinner.  But God’s hand
was on us as we sang and I felt a peace that truly does pass
understanding.  Until I lost my breath running after
something.  Very stupid with three songs left to sing, but what
can I say.  I liked running in that skirt and my bare feet,
anyway.  Did you know you can feel peace even when your heart’s
pounding ninety miles to the minute and you can’t catch your
breath?  Can’t wait to hear that recording.