All my life I’ve had dreams gathering and growing in my head.
Things I wanted to be, and do; things I wanted to learn; places I
wanted to go. Oh, the languages I would learn, the talents I
would uncover, the skills I would master, the interests I would turn to
expertise! I knew I could never do it all in one lifetime, but I
figured I would die trying.
My aunt recently sent out an email update on my cousin (the one who
just went to Germany). She wrote so inspiringly about how Kat had
developed all these goals and interests over the years, and how so many
of them are being fed and fulfilled by this stint in Europe.
Right down to the three-story house with a winding staircase that she’s
wanted since she was little.
Does inspiration ever make you sick? Well, I felt sick. I
tried so hard not to question God about it, not to do the whole “why
me” song and dance. But it happened anyway…
Me: God, I have dreams, too! What about me? Am I the stepchild here?
God: What is most important in your life?
Me: But why must I be the only person I know who puts their own “life” on
hold for the good of others? Why must I be the unselfish one? I’m tired
of sacrifing! Why must I serve while others live?
God: Serving isn’t living? Your life is unique. What I require of you I require
of no one else. You are called to something different.
Me: Yeah, I’ve heard that before, too. Lord, this isn’t a calling! This is just
daily drudgery. I thought a calling was something you spent your life
pursuing. I’m not called! I have
no purpose! I’m–I’m just trudging
along, waiting for life to
happen.
God, don’t you
think it’s a little pathetic that my biggest “event” this
year happened to someone else? I measured time by it: “Two weeks
until ______”, “Tomorrow’s the big day”, “What will I wear?” “Well,
now it’s over…was that it?” And all
that was left was me. No more
excitement, no more life. You call that purpose, Lord? Am I missing
something here?
God: WHAT IS MOST IMPORATANT IN YOUR LIFE?
Me: Well, um…I guess, to be perfectly honest–*whispering*–me.
God: I AM. I am your Creator. I am your God. You have not chosen Me;
I have chosen you. You do not choose your calling any more than you
chose your parents, your birth, or even your re-birth. I have chosen.
I am the Lord, your God. All you need to know is that I have put you in
this place. And I
will lead you in the path I have for you. I know your
path–I created it. Every mountain, every valley, every curve, and every
straight, lonely stretch of highway. I have made it to shape you into who
I want you to be, not who
you wish to become. You are Mine. That is your
calling.
Heed My voice. Seek
My face. Obey My commands. Trust in Me at all times.
I AM.
Am I enough?
Me: ——- (blank)
PennyDaisy 
Great thoughts, I hope that you are able to go out and live your adventures. Even though it doesn’t feel like it now God wants the best for you and always has.
God knows that I needed to hear those words — the ones you wrote right here, and the ones you left on my site. Thank you for your wrestling God with the goal of learning. Thank you for you encouragement to me…it means so very much coming from someone who sees the world so differently, but loves the same God.
I don’t buy it for one second.
It’s only disparaging if you believe your reasoning infallible. I don’t believe God would give us discernment and free will to have us live vicariously and accomplish the medicore.
yeah. i’ve realized lately how often i think, “i’d be content, if only i was there, instead of here. then, instead of now.” which is crazy, because a few years ago, i thought, “i’d be thrilled to go to college, if i could just learn *fill in all the stuff i’m learning*, without having to take any core courses. and if i could stay home, instead of leaving the state to go to college. well here i am. right where i wanted to be, and i still find myself often discontent. i reckon contentment is not determined by circumstances. if i can’t be content with where i am now, what i’m doing now, what makes me think i’d be happy with something else? that was a good conversation you wrote out. i’ve been having some hard conversations over revelation. i’m going to read that book more often. it increased my fear of God, and challenged my faith. so many times i had to stop and say, “God, i don’t like this. this doesn’t seem right to me.” and He says, “It is right. You don’t define right, I do.” it’s become a oft repeated prayer for me these days. “Lord help me to take seriously what you take seriously, and see things the way you see them.” because it’s becoming increasingly plain to me how wrongly i think of things. ugh. i made this too long. i just wanted to say, i’ve been going through some of the same stuff. good post, sara mac
I refuse to believe that I, made in God’s image, am pure evil and must continually reject and deny everything that I am. Yes we’re corrupt, but even a rotted board keeps some shape. If there’s something I long for, then there’s a good chance that I’m supposed to chase something like that. Playing mind games with myself will lead only to a facade of sickeningly sweet fakeness covering a sour core, a life of hidden misery and suffering that I’ve seen destroy too many hearts and families.
Maybe not. But the hyphenated last name thing is totally unrelated.
you know, i love long comments too. and yet i always feel guilty for leaving them. how peculiar and unreasonable. i felt the same thing. (are we getting redundant?) that you were posting what i’m going through in a different way. nice how God shows His different children the same things at the same time sometimes.
Ahhh! I am so glad to know I am not the only one who has these arguments with God. He always wins!! I know being patient is hard and I do pray for you but….I also take courage from the fact that our situations are similar in some respects. Remember that it takes time for seeds to sprout and to grow. Trust in God. He will take care of you. And me.
Hey! What are you doing in October? Specifically the 21, 22, and 23.